The Facts of Life Read online

  In costume for KVAN Radio, Vancouver, Washington, 1956

  Just before I went to Vancouver, I was working for KCNC in Fort Worth. I had a daily children's show from 1:00 P.M. to 2:00 P.M. as the kids got ready for their naps. Every day I played “The Red Headed Stranger.” Written by Carl Stutz and Edith Lindeman, and sung by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith, this was by far my most requested song. I'd start off the show every day, “This is your old cotton-pickin', snuff-dippin', tobaccer-chewin', stump-jumpin', gravy-soppin', coffee-pot-dodgin', dumplin'-eatin', frog-giggin' hillbilly from Hill County, Willie Nelson.”

  Who'll Buy My Memories?

  A past that's sprinkled with the blues

  A few old dreams that I can't use

  Who'll buy my memories

  Of things that used to be?

  There were the smiles before the tears

  And with the smiles some better years

  Who'll buy my memories

  Of things that used to be?

  When I remember how things were

  My memories all lead to her

  I'd like to start my life anew

  But memories just make me blue

  A cottage small just built for two

  A garden wall with violets blue

  Who'll buy my memories

  Of things that used to be?

  There are so many important things to talk about, I wish I knew where to start. In Abbott we say, “I'm just like a duck. If it doesn't rain, I'll walk,” and “A hard head makes a sore ass.”

  Our motto in Abbott was, and still is, “A winner never quits, and a quitter never wins.” This was written above our black panther logo in the school gym. I saw it every day. It must have stuck. I believe that you can't lose if you don't give up. Even if you die, you'll die fighting. I remember one of the Rankin boys saying one day in a basketball game between Abbott and Byrum—someone offended him in some way—he jumped out in the middle of the gym and said, “My mama didn't raise nothin' but fighting kids!” I thought, “What a nice family.”

  The Abbott motto has carried me around the world several times, and helped me through a lot of interesting situations. Like when I first came to Houston. I hit town with my wife, Martha, and daughters, Lana, age four, and Susie, two. I was looking for a place to stay and I needed rent money, so I began to search for a place to play. I found a little place in Pasadena and got a job at the Esquire Ballroom, all the way across Houston, about an hour drive on the Hempstead highway.

  It was a Monday afternoon, about three o'clock. Larry Butler and his band were rehearsing at the Esquire. I walked in, sat at a table, and waited until Larry took a break. I introduced myself and asked Larry if he wanted to buy any songs—ten dollars apiece. I sang them “I Gotta Get Drunk” and “Family Bible.” He said, “Those songs are worth more than ten dollars, but I'll loan you the money to pay your rent, and I'll give you a job in my band.” Thanks, Larry Butler.

  Family Bible

  There's a family Bible on the table

  Its pages worn and hard to read

  But the family Bible on the table

  Will ever be my key to memories

  At the end of the day when work was over

  And when the evening meal was done

  Dad would read to us from the family Bible

  And we'd count our many blessings one by one

  I can see us sitting 'round the table

  When from the family Bible Dad would read

  And I can hear my mother softly singing

  Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages, cleft for me

  Now this old world of ours is filled with trouble

  This old world would oh so better be

  If we found more Bibles on the table

  And mothers singing Rock of Ages, cleft for me

  I can see us sitting 'round the table

  When from the family Bible Dad would read

  And I can hear my mother softly singing

  Rock of Ages, Rock of Ages, cleft for me

  ONE NIGHT, LARRY was left in charge of the club while the owner, Raymond Prosky, went somewhere. Everything was fine until some drunk started giving the waitress trouble. Larry came off the bandstand to straighten things out. Naturally I had to help. When the dust cleared, Larry had his teeth knocked out and I had two broken ribs. Thanks, Larry, we're even. Just joking, I owe you a lot more than that.

  Left to right: Susie, Billy, Martha, and Lana

  Me and Ed Knapps

  I Gotta Get Drunk

  Well, I gotta get drunk and I sure do dread it

  'Cause I know just what I'm gonna do

  I'll start to spend my money

  Calling everybody honey

  And wind up singing the blues

  I'll spend my whole paycheck on some old wreck

  And brother, I can name you a few

  Well, I gotta get drunk and I sure do dread it

  'Cause I know just what I'm gonna do

  Well I gotta get drunk, I can't stay sober

  There's a lot of good people in town

  Who like to hear me holler

  See me spend my dollars

  And I wouldn't think of letting them down

  There's a lot of good doctors that tell me

  That I'd better start slowing it down

  But there's more old drunks

  Than there are old doctors

  So I guess we'd better have another round

  I REMEMBER WORKING FOR a radio station in Pasadena, Texas, the year before I went to Nashville, at KRCT. I was on the air from 6:00 A.M. to … something. I forgot exactly. I was playing clubs around Houston every night from eight to midnight or later—so by the time I got home it was pretty late. I finally got fired for showing up late. I was making about fifteen dollars a night playing in different bands around town. One bandleader was Lucky Carlyle. I had been hiring myself out as a lead-guitar player and singer for Lucky.

  After I went to work at the radio station, I started charging twentyfive dollars a night, because since I was a DJ, I could say where I'd be playing around town. I figured the free radio spot was worth another ten dollars a night. So when Lucky called for me to play, I asked, “How much does it pay, Lucky ?”

  He said, “Oh, fifteen dollars a night.”

  I said, “Well, I don't usually like to leave the house for less than twenty-five dollars.”

  Lucky said, “I'll bet you stay home a lot.”

  I thought about it. “You're right. I'll see you tonight.”

  I decided the steady fifteen dollars was better.

  Night Life

  When the evening sun goes down

  You will find me hanging 'round

  The night life

  Ain't no good life

  But it's my life

  Many people just like me

  Dreaming of old used-to-bes

  The night life

  Ain't no good life

  But it's my life

  Listen to the blues that they're playing

  Listen to what the blues are saying

  Mine is just another scene

  From the world of broken dreams

  The night life

  Ain't no good life

  But it's my life

  I SOLD THE SONG “Family Bible” to Paul Buskirk, Claude Grey, and Walt Breeland for enough money to pay the rent. I also sold “Night Life” to the same three friends. I still thank them for the fifty dollars for “Family Bible” and the hundred dollars for “Night Life.” I don't have any regrets about selling those songs. At the time I really needed the money. A hundred and fifty dollars in those days, and in my position, was like ten thousand dollars to me.

  Larry Butler gave me a job playing in his band. Paul Buskirk gave me a job in his music studio, where I taught guitar and sold guitars and pianos. Paul Buskirk taught me how to read music, and I stayed a lesson or two ahead of my students. Every now and then I would hit a couple of good blues licks, or jump into “Under the Double Eagle,
” just to impress the little rascals.

  We played out of a great teaching book called Mel Bay Part 1: Teaching Little Fingers to Play. I recommend it highly to little fingers around the world.

  The Storm Has Just Begun

  Each night the raging storm clouds

  Take away the moon above

  And each day the same clouds

  Take away the sun

  My world is filled with darkness

  And I'm lost without your love

  And I realize the storm has just begun

  Can't you see the lightning flashing

  Can't you hear the thunder roll

  She's gone, she's gone

  The damage has been done

  There's a storm within my heart

  That keeps me crying night and day

  And I realize the storm has just begun

  The sun was shining brightly

  On the day that we were wed

  The day God made the two of us as one

  But since the day you left me,

  Storm clouds gather overhead

  And I realize the storm has just begun

  I don't want your help or pity

  I don't need your sympathy

  All I want is you to be my only one

  Another night is coming

  And a long night it will be

  And I realize the storm has just begun

  Billy Walker cut this song in the late '50s. It was one of the first songs I ever had recorded. He called it “The Storm Within My Heart.”

  TONIGHT I TALKED TO Bill Mack, another great radio personality, who's been around as long as I have. He knows more about country music than most people, and he's still doing it. In fact, he can now be heard on satellite radio all over the world. He's another hero of mine who always fought for the things he believed in. God bless you, Bill Mack.

  I was telling the Roger Miller joke to Bill about the guy in the used car lot kicking the tires of one of the cars. The salesman came up and said, “You thinking about buying a car?”

  The guy said, “No, I'm going to buy a car. I was thinking about pussy.”

  OH WELL, IF MY FRIENDS hadn't said so many funny things, this would be a short book.

  THESE GUYS WERE IN A BAR. This one guy looks up and sees another guy at the end of the bar that looks a little like Jesus. He says, “Hey, that looks like Jesus!” His friends say, “He's crazy, that's not Jesus.” The guy goes up to the one who looks like Jesus and says, “Hey, what's your name?”

  “Jesus,” the man replied. The guy said, “No you're not!”

  Jesus said, “Yes I am.”

  “If you're really Jesus, cure my headache.”

  Jesus put his hand on the guy's head and the headache was cured. He called to his buddies to come on down, this is really Jesus. The second guy steps up and says, “If you're really Jesus, heal my back problem I've had since birth.”

  Jesus touches him on the back and the guy screams, “He's Jesus! I'm cured!”

  So the two guys wave to the third guy. “Come on! It's really Jesus!”

  The third guy comes running up and says, “Don't touch me. I'm getting one hundred percent disability.”

  BILLY BOB'S WAS A BLAST with lots of cowboys and cowgirls. It was good to see Joey and Jill Floyd tonight. They are such good musicians. We're on our way to Austin now to do a radio show at 1:00 P.M., a photo session at 3:00 P.M., and a show at the Austin Rodeo later tonight. Austin is home. There'll be a lot of mine and Poodie's friends there I'm sure.

  If we're backing up it's just to get a running start

  'Cause everything we do we do with all our hearts

  And it don't really matter what they say

  We wouldn't have it any other way

  Excuse me, sometimes I just break into song.

  We play our songs and play on our old guitars

  And it doesn't really matter where we are

  We wake up in a new world every day

  And we wouldn't have it any other way

  When it's time for us to move along

  To a place we sometimes sing of in our songs

  Raise your glasses high on that fine day

  'Cause we wouldn't have it any other way

  You know what you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? You get a piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye. You see, that's another Abbott joke.

  MY FRIEND CASEY TIBBS, World Champion All-Around Cowboy, had one of the neatest deals I had ever heard of. He was going to breed and raise cats. Then he was going to raise rats to feed to the cats, skin the cats, and sell the cat skins. He would feed the dead cats to the rats, and the rats to the cats, eliminating the need for food in both cat and rat. He would then cross the cat with a snake, and the cat would shed its skin twice a year, doubling the profits. Sadly, Casey died before his dream came true.

  BEN DORCY, THE WORLD'S oldest band boy, was with us this trip. We are within his radius. Ben has worked for John Wayne, Ann-Margret, Buck Owens, Hank Thompson, Ray Price, and more recently, Robert Earl Keen, Pat Green, and Corey Morrow. He's one hard-working man. I told him tonight that he was insured by the company I've formed, with a two-dollar deductible. He wants a fifty-dollar deductible.

  We said, “Only if you pay the fifty up front. We take no chances.”

  Ben said, “OK, it sounded like a better policy.”

  One time, when Ben was working in Nashville, he was walking in front of the Ryman Auditorium wearing a Nudie suit given to him by Hank Thompson. Somebody thought Ben was a star, and came up to him and said, “How do you get started in this business?”

  Ben said, “There ain't but one way, hoss. You start at the bottom and go right to the top. Don't mess with that in-between shit.”

  Valentine

  Valentine

  Won't you be my valentine

  Introduce your heart to mine

  And be my valentine

  Summertime

  We could run and play like summertime

  With storybooks and nursery rhymes

  So be my valentine

  Candy heart

  If anyone could, you could have a candy heart

  You're the sweetest of all sweethearts

  Won't you give your heart to me?

  Can't you see

  I love you valentine

  Won't you be my valentine

  And won't you share your space with mine

  Be my valentine

  Candy heart

  If anyone could, you could have a candy heart

  You're the sweetest of all sweethearts

  Won't you give your heart to me?

  Can't you see

  I love you, valentine

  Won't you be my valentine

  Introduce your heart to mine

  Be my valentine

  Let me take the opportunity to talk for a few moments about my family —Lana, Susie, Billy, Paula, Amy, Lukas, and Micah. Every one is so different. Everyone is definitely a free spirit, lovers of life, all with a great outlook on life, and I am so proud of them all that I could never put it into words.

  Billy left us a while back, but I still think of him all the time and he is always with me.

  “Don't stand at my grave and cry. I am not there.

  I did not die.”

  —writer unknown

  These are difficult times

  These are difficult times

  Lord, please give me a sign

  For these are difficult times

  My son Billy

  Too Sick to Pray

  I've been too sick to pray, Lord

  That's why we ain't talked in awhile

  It's been some of those days, Lord

  I thought I was on my last mile

  But I'm feeling OK, Lord

  I never needed you more

  I would have called you before

  But I've been too sick to pray

  Remember the family, Lord

  I know they will remember you

/>   In all of their prayers, Lord

  They talk to you just like I do

  Well I reckon that's all, Lord

  That's all I can think of to say

  And thank you, my friend

  We'll be talking again

  If I'm not too sick to pray

  Remember the Good Times

  Remember the good times

  They're smaller in number

  And easier to recall

  Don't spend too much time on the bad times

  Their staggering number will be

  Heavy as lead on your mind

  Don't waste a moment unhappy

  Invaluable moments gone

  With the leakage of time

  As we leave on our own separate journeys

  Moving west with the sun

  To a place buried deep in our minds

  Remember the good times

  Sunday, March 18

  LAST NIGHT'S AUSTIN RODEO show was fun, with a sell-out crowd of thousands of happy rodeo and music lovers. Today I do a photo session, and then a recording session with Gillian Welch. Gillian is a fine writer and singer, and her song will be featured in the upcoming movie The Journeyman.

  I played a part in the movie and was glad to sing any song with Gillian. Her latest recording of “I'll Fly Away” with Alison Krauss is one of the best renditions I've ever heard.

  Now that the shows are over for a few days, I plan to enjoy time with my family. The bus is empty except for me. It sure is quiet. There's a movie playing on TV called Dream West. It's good, but it's the longest son of a bitch I think I can remember.

  Here's a song me and Bob Dylan wrote for Farm Aid.

  Heartland

  There's a home place under fire tonight

  In the heartland