The Facts of Life Page 8

  I was listening to “The Great Divide,” and by the way, have I told you that the publisher likes the book?

  We are doing some music from the Rainbow Connection CD in the shows. The band and I are still working on the “Rainbow Connection” song itself. I think it's about ready. Paul Williams, the writer of “Rainbow Connection,” and I are both being inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame this year, in June, I think. Now there's a co-inky-dinky for you.

  Fortunately, we're not in control.

  While filming a Disney movie, The Country Bears, last month in Los Angeles, I played some of the Rainbow Connection CD to the producers, and they may use some of the music in the movie. Talk about coincidence, the Jim Henson Company (Jim was the voice of Kermit the Frog and first sang “Rainbow Connection” in The Muppet Movie) was doing the special-effects work in the Disney movie, so I played them the song too. Thank you, Walt. Thank you, Jim.

  DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE DRUNK who was walking down the street when a guy carrying a huge grandfather clock came out of an antique store and bumped into him? The drunk accidentally knocked the antique collector into the clock, breaking it into a thousand pieces. The man with the clock said, “Why don't you watch where you're going?”

  The drunk looked at the guy and said, “Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?”

  1:15 A.M., Good Friday the 13th

  ON THE WAY TO Union County Arts Center in Rahway, New Jersey. Tonight's crowd in Sewell was fantastic. A lot of fans both young and old waited a long time after the show while I signed autographs. At the end of the line, as they always are, never getting in front of anyone even though they know they could at any time, were two of my favorite fans. Katie and Jill must be at least fourteen years old by now. They've been coming to the shows for more than half their lives. I feel like they are mine. They never miss a show when we are within a four- or five-hundred-mile radius. Girls, I hope you always come see us, we'd miss you a lot if you didn't. They're twins—I can never tell them apart, except that Katie always walks up first, so I know the other one is Jill. I'm so smart, sometimes I amaze me. Right.

  HAVE I TOLD YOU that the publisher likes the book?

  A LADY HAD BEEN grocery shopping. Walking to her car, she tripped and broke her paper bag of groceries, containing a gallon of water, a dozen eggs, and a pound of bacon. Everything splattered all over the pavement. The lady was so upset, she started crying. A drunk walked up, surveyed the situation, and said, “Don't cry, lady. It wouldn't have lived anyway. Its eyes are too far apart.”

  So You Think You're a Cowboy

  So you think you're a cowboy

  But you're only a kid

  With a mind to do everything wrong

  And it starts to get smoother

  When the circle begins

  But by the time that you get there, it's gone

  So you think you're a winner

  But you're losing again

  The cards have already been dealt

  And the hand that you're playing

  Means nothin' at all

  And knowing is all that is left

  So live life as you find it

  The best that you can

  Tomorrow cannot right the wrong

  Don't wait for tomorrow

  To bring you your dreams

  'Cause by the time that you get there, they're gone

  FYI: JOHN WAYNE COULDN'T SING,

  AND HIS HORSE

  WAS NOT VERY SMART

  After the show tonight, some sweet lady, Diane is her name, gave me two Gene Autry and Roy Rogers guitars. She said that she also has a Hopalong Cassidy guitar that she'll give me. I'm proud of them since these were, are, and always will be, three of my heroes.

  Another one of the educational advantages of living in Abbott and Hill County was that you got to see Roy, Hoppy, and Gene every Saturday at the Ritz Theater in Hillsboro, ten miles north of Abbott. For twenty cents you could ride on the train, the interurban, from Abbott to Hillsboro and back. The movie cost six cents. Once again, Roy, Gene, and Hoppy have shown us how to be the best cowboys.

  Back then, everything was real simple. The good guys wore white hats and the bad guys wore black hats, and the good cowboys always won. What the heck happened? Now the bad guys win all the time. Of course, it's hard to tell the bad guys from the good guys.

  If I had my way, Gene, Roy, and Hoppy movies would be required viewing in every school in the world. And if I'm elected, this will come to pass. Of course, I ain't running for anything.

  Where Do You Stand?

  From somewhere behind you

  You've come with your suitcase in hand

  Hey, what's your plan?

  Where do you stand?

  The world's still divided

  And you're still undecided

  Decide if you can

  Hey, what's your plan

  Where do you stand?

  Where do you stand?

  Where do you stand?

  Hey, what's your plan?

  Where do you stand?

  It's time for commitment

  It's time for a showing of hands

  Hey, what's your plan?

  Where do you stand?

  Surely there's someone

  With courage

  To say where he stands

  Hey, what's your plan?

  Where do you stand?

  “Where Do You Stand” is a half-assed political song that I wrote several years ago. Back when there was talk, and some truth, that I was thinking about running for a senate office in Texas. I'm glad I didn't. My liver couldn't have taken all the cocktail parties. I wound up giving the song to the Ralph Yarborough campaign. He was more suited for that line of work.

  We have just pulled into somewhere. Maybe a truck stop. Maybe the motel. This is exciting. I can't wait to see which one it is. If it's a truck stop, I'll stay on the bus. If it's a motel, I'll stay on the bus. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind. I was just being factitious, I think. I'll look that up. If factitious doesn't apply, I'll have another big word in there before a cat can lick its ass. We authors deal in words. You can't tell a songwriter he ain't any good because he knows better.

  Did I tell you the publishers like the book? You don't pile up that kind of wisdom in schools, Bubba. Some people are just born wise.

  Of course, I believe in reincarnation. I believe you keep coming back until you get wise. Then if you want to come back again to show off a little, that's OK too. It's all right to come back a few times just to be wise, just so other people can see you and say, “Damn, he's wise.”

  Changing Skies

  There's a bird in the sky

  Flying high, flying high

  To a place from a place

  Changing skies, changing skies

  There are clouds in the sky

  Clouds of fear and despair

  Love like ours never dies

  Changing skies, changing skies

  Little bird have you heard

  Freedom lies, freedom lies

  But love like ours never dies

  Just changing skies, changing skies

  Tougher Than Leather

  He was tougher than leather

  And he didn't care whether

  The sun shined or not

  When a young kid from Cowtown

  Wanted a showdown

  He was careless or maybe forgot

  But he died in a gunfight

  Blinded by sunlight

  Never draw when you're facing the sun

  And old Tougher Than Leather

  Just carved one more notch on his gun

  And when he turned to go

  The beautiful maiden knelt down

  Where her dead sweetheart lay

  And on his breast placed a rose

  While the townspeople stared in dismay

  And old Tougher Than Leather

  Should've known better

  But he picked up the rose in his hand

 
; And the townspeople froze

  When his hands crushed the rose

  And the rose petals fell in the sand

  And old Tougher Than Leather

  Was a full-time go-getter

  The grass never grew beneath his feet

  From one town to another

  He would ride like the wind

  But his mind kept going back to the street

  Where a young cowboy died

  And a young maiden cried

  And rose petals fell in the sand

  And his heart had been softened

  By the beautiful maiden

  And he knew he must see her again

  Well he went back to the town

  Where it all had come down

  And he searched but his search was in vain

  He had wanted to find her

  And say he was sorry

  For causing her heart so much pain

  But one night he died

  From a poison inside

  Brought on by the wrong he had done

  And old Tougher Than Leather

  Had carved his last notch on his gun

  He was buried in Cowtown

  Along about sundown

  Looking good in his new store-bought clothes

  When the young maiden came over

  And knelt down beside him

  And on his lapel placed a rose

  Somewhere in Texas (Part I)

  Somewhere in Texas

  A young cowboy dreams

  Of the days when the buffalo roamed

  And he wished he had lived then

  'Cause he knew he could have been

  The best cowboy the world had ever known

  He went dancing that night

  With his San Antone rose

  The one he would marry someday

  To the music of Bob Wills

  And polkas and waltzes

  While beautiful time passed away

  Somewhere in Texas (Part II)

  Going home in his pickup

  Not knowing a stickup

  Was in progress on the same side of town

  By a man in a truck

  The same kind he was driving

  Bad karma was soon coming down

  Before the store owner died

  He had tried to describe

  The man who had shot him that day

  And he described to the letter

  The innocent cowboy

  So they tried him and sent him away

  My Love for the Rose

  Was it something I did, Lord

  A lifetime ago?

  Am I just now repaying a debt that I owe?

  Justice, sweet justice

  You travel so slow

  But you can't change my love for the rose

  Little Old-Fashioned Karma

  It's just a little old-fashioned karma coming down

  Just a little old-fashioned justice going round

  A little bit of sowing

  And a little bit of reaping

  A little bit of laughing

  And a little bit of weeping

  Just a little old-fashioned karma coming down

  Coming down

  Coming down

  Just a little old-fashioned karma

  Coming down

  It really ain't hard to understand

  If you're gonna dance

  You gotta pay the band

  It's just a little old-fashioned karma coming down

  Nobody Slides, My Friend

  Nobody slides, my friend

  It's a truth on which you can depend

  If you're living a lie

  It will eat you alive

  Nobody slides, my friend

  Nobody slides, my friend

  You can try it but you'll never win

  You can scream, you can shout

  But it all evens out

  And nobody slides, my friend

  Nobody slides, my friend

  Listen I'll say it again

  You can run, you can hide

  But it's still waiting inside

  And nobody slides, my friend

  I Am the Forest

  I'll always be with you

  For as long as you please

  For I am the forest

  But you are the trees

  I'm empty without you

  So come grow within me

  For I am the forest

  And you are the trees

  And the heavens need romance

  So love never dies

  So you be the stars, dear

  And I'll be the sky

  And should enemies find us

  Let them all be forewarned

  That you are the thunder

  And I am the storm

  And I'll always be with you

  For as long as you please

  For I am the forest

  And you are the trees

  I'll always be with you

  For as long as you please

  For I am the forest

  But you are the trees

  Well, we are here, at the motel. I may be back, but in case I'm not, remember Elvis's last words, “Corn? I don't remember corn.”

  Jackie King wanted me to tell you this one. This guy is playing piano in a bar. He said, “You are about the sorriest bunch of creepylooking assholes I have ever had to perform in front of. Now here's a little toe-tapper for you.…”

  ALSO THERE'S THE one about the girl who came to a club one night. She was talking to the guitar player in the band and said, “I just want you to know that I watched you play tonight. There was something very special about the way that your fingers just flew up and down the neck of your guitar. It turned me on so much, there were times when I wanted to grab you and screw your brains out!”

  The guitar player said, “Did you catch the first show or the second?”

  FOR EXTRA PROTECTION, please cover your organ before sex, or at least throw a sheet over the piano.

  “PERFECT PITCH”: When you toss an accordion into the trash can and it hits a banjo. Just kidding. I love the banjo and the accordion. My friend Paul Buskirk wrote a song called, “You Just Can't Play a Sad Song on the Banjo,” and Flaco Jimenez brought new dimensions to the accordion. These guys and many other great musicians have always proven there are no bad instruments, but there are a few bad pickers. And then again, maybe you shouldn't play a sad song on the banjo.

  THE MOST HORRIFYING sound in the world has got to be a beginner violinist. It sounds like chalk on a blackboard. I tried playing fiddle a few times. I just couldn't stand hearing me. How do people ever stay with it long enough to get past the bad notes?

  However, I don't believe players like Stephane Grappelli and Johnny Gimble ever hit a bad note in their life. If they ever did, they turned it into a hot lick so fast nobody caught it.

  Speaking of Stephane Grappelli, I must mention the greatest guitar player who ever lived, Django Reinhardt. Stephane and Django played together many years ago. This is undeniably the best music I have ever heard.

  A YOUNG KID JOINED THE ARMY. He wanted to be a hero. He volunteered to go overseas to the front lines. It was 1944 and we were at war with Japan. The young soldier went to his sergeant and announced he wanted to be a hero. The sergeant said, “Oh you do? Well, here's what you do, son. Just walk over there about a half mile and yell, ‘Hirohito is a son of a bitch!’ The enemy will show itself and you just shoot one and bring him back and you'll be a hero.”

  So the young soldier walked off toward the road where the enemy lay waiting. After about an hour he came back bleeding, bruised, and half dead. The sergeant asked what happened. The soldier said, “I did just what you said. I went there and stood up and yelled, ‘Hirohito is a son of a bitch!’ A Japanese soldier stood up and said, ‘Harry Truman is a son of a bitch!’ We were standing in the middle of the road shaking hands when a truck hit us.”

  3:09 A.M., Good Friday the 13th

  REMEMBER, THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE
WORM, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 'Nite all …

  11:50 A.M.

  LEONARD NIMOY IS NARRATING A STORY, The History of Christianity. This part is all about John the Baptist. We are at a Holiday Inn across from a CVC pharmacy and food mart with a one-hour photo service. I must be the luckiest guy in the world: at a Holiday Inn where there are never any surprises, and a drugstore right across the street. God is good.

  Rahway, New Jersey, looks a lot like Sewell, New Jersey. I went for a short run this morning. Actually, very short. I couldn't get into it. No energy today. Some days are like that. Maybe it's a day of rest. My Sabbath. Maybe I won't do a sound check today.

  There must be a better way to start the day than getting up. I could sleep my life away, I believe, if I let myself. Maybe I won't do anything except the show tonight. Maybe I'll just nap all day. What's wrong with that? Sleep is an escape on a lazy day. Just because you take a day off don't mean you're lazy. Well, what's wrong with being lazy sometimes?

  Well, I might have gone fishing,

  Got to thinking it over

  The road to the river is a mighty long way

  It must be the season, no rhyme or no reason

  Taking it easy. It's my lazy day

  Thank you, Smiley Burnette.

  REMEMBER THE MA-AND-PA JOKES? Ma said, “Pa, your foot is in the fire.”

  Pa said, “Which one, Ma?”

  That's me today. I just sit around and think deep thoughts, like, How deep is a hole? What are the differences in dust particles? There must be some or else why are there so many of them? One dust particle really would have been plenty.

  Oh, I just remembered. It's almost April 15! Don't forget to file your toenails by midnight!

  Yesterday's Wine

  Miracles appear in the strangest of places

  Fancy meeting you here

  The last time I saw you was just out of Houston

  Sit down, let me buy you a beer