The Facts of Life Read online

  The light of dawn is near

  A lonely night has passed

  But there'll be more

  Just one more thing in closing

  For all the world to hear:

  Come home, I love you

  Signed, your country boy

  Within Your Crowd

  Do you remember

  How they warned you once before?

  They made it clear you weren't to see me anymore

  Within your world of riches

  Poor boys aren't allowed

  So you must learn to love someone

  Within your crowd

  Don't you know you're taking chances here with

  me?

  You must protect your reputation, don't you see?

  Within your social circle I am not allowed

  So you must learn to love someone

  Within your crowd

  And though I love you more than I can ever say

  The danger's much too great and you can't stay

  You could never stand dishonor, you're too proud

  So you must learn to love someone

  Within your crowd

  Someday you'll find someone deserving of your love

  Someone to kiss the lips that I'm not worthy of

  And when I see you passing by, I'll feel so proud

  'Cause though I stand outside, my heart's

  Within your crowd

  BUDDY EMMONS AND I WERE in a bar in Nashville. This guy kept bugging us. So Buddy asked the guy, “Are you sure that this is where you want to be?” I gave him half the song.

  Are You Sure?

  Look around you

  Look down the bar from you

  The lonely faces that you see

  Are you sure

  That this is where you want to be?

  These are your friends

  But are they real friends?

  And do they love you as much as me?

  Are you sure

  That this is where you want to be?

  Please don't let my tears persuade you

  I had hoped I wouldn't cry

  But lately teardrops seem a part of me

  You seem in such a hurry

  To lead this kind of life

  You've caused so much pain and misery

  So look around you and take a good look

  And just between you and me

  Are you sure

  That this is where you want to be?

  You Wouldn't Cross the Street (to Say Goodbye)

  Today I stood across the street

  And watched you leave with him

  Right before my disbelieving eyes

  And when you saw me standing there

  You turned away from me

  And you wouldn't even cross the street

  To say goodbye

  Once you said you'd do most anything

  To keep our love

  You'd tear out your tongue

  Before you'd tell me lies

  Once you said you'd go to any lengths

  To be with me

  Today you wouldn't even cross the street

  To say goodbye

  Once you said you'd crawl on hands and knees

  To be with me

  Today you wouldn't even cross the street

  To say goodbye

  Bloody Mary Morning

  Well it's a bloody mary morning

  Baby left me without warning

  Sometime in the night

  So I'm flying down to Houston

  With forgetting her the nature of my flight

  As we taxi toward the runway

  With the smog and haze reminding me

  Of how I feel

  Just a country boy who's learning

  That the pitfalls of the city

  Are extremely real

  All the nightlife and parties

  Temptation and deceit

  The order of the day

  Well it's a bloody mary morning

  'Cause I'm leaving baby

  Somewhere in L.A.

  Well our golden jet is airborne

  And Flight 50 cuts a path

  Across the morning sky

  And a voice comes through the speaker

  Reassuring us Flight 50

  Is the way to fly

  And a hostess takes our order

  Coffee, tea, or something stronger

  To start off the day

  Well it's a bloody mary morning

  'Cause I'm leaving baby

  Somewhere in L.A.

  The Sound in Your Mind

  Well I've been feeling a little bad

  'Cause I've been feeling a little better

  Without you

  It's a little like rain

  But it's a lot like a sunny day

  And it's hard to explain

  But the sound of your name

  Don't make music anymore

  And it's more like the sound

  Of a love that I lost one day

  It's a little too late

  To start thinking about starting all over

  I'd rather stay where I am

  I can't take another slam

  In the mind

  I've been feeling a little bad

  'Cause I've been feeling a little better

  Without you

  But remember my love

  Is the sound that you hear in your mind

  I've been running around

  Even laughing at half of the memories

  And you're not hard to remember

  I just have to think of your name

  I've been feeling a little bad

  'Cause I've been feeling a little better

  Without you

  But remember my love

  Is the sound that you hear in your mind

  And remember my love

  Is the sound that you hear in your mind

  It's a quarter to four, April 11.

  Today fell on a Wednesday.

  WE'RE IN HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA. How lucky can you get? We are headed to sound check pretty soon. Earlier, I got in a nice run in the rain. One thing about running in the rain, it ain't crowded. Harrisburg has always been a good town for us, and besides, my fan club officers, Dandalion and Daffy, live in the area.

  Dandalion has been a fan since the '70s. She never misses a show when we're anywhere in Pennsylvania, and she's done a wonderful job of running our fan club for years. Every night I hear from someone who's a member of the fan club that really enjoys being a member. This is all thanks to you, Daffy and Dandalion. You're the best.

  Dandalion is also one of the most well-known DJs in the world. Like Bill Mack, Horace Logan, Ralph Emery, and a few more, they did all they could to keep traditional country music on the airways. I see where Dandalion is being inducted into the Pennsylvania Association of Broadcasters Hall of Fame. Dandy's a DJ on WRK2-FM. She was the first woman to host her own network country music show. She's also an inductee in the National Country Music DJ Hall of Fame. I taped a message to play as she's inducted. It's just a short video to be played on the night of the awards. It said how good she is and how she deserves the award. She has always supported traditional country music and the new country; Garth Brooks, the Dixie Chicks, Alan Jackson, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and others.

  I never have gotten a lot of radio play through the years, but I knew I was in trouble when I heard someone say, “Boy, I sure wish they would play some of the old guys like Randy Travis and George Strait.” But Dandy has always been there for me and all the old farts. God bless you, Dandy. May you have a long and happy life, and congratulations on the award, it couldn't happen to a more deserving person.

  Back in Fort Worth in the early '60s, I was just getting started. I had a friend in radio named Bo Powell. He also played all my early records and was a big help in kicking off my career. Thanks, Bo.

  IT'S STILL RAINING outside as we load up to go to sound check—sister Bobbie, daughter Lana, drivers Gator and L.G.
, David Anderson, and me. What a crew—bulletproof and invisible all the time. “Bulletproof and invisible” is a Kris Kristofferson phrase. I wonder how he's doing.

  I talk to Merle quite a lot. He's still out here, playing, having fun, and drawing great crowds. Merle Haggard is a picking, singing, writing legend. I am probably his biggest fan. We always enjoy playing together and always seem to have entirely too much fun.

  Waylon thinks I don't know where he is since he left Nashville, but never fear, ole Willie knows exactly where you are and what you're doing. I have your home under twenty-four-hour surveillance and I've tapped your phone. Just because you live next door to an FBI guy don't mean shit. He's helping me. Just kidding, pal. I hope you're as ornery and mean as you ever were. I want to always remember you that way. I hear from Reggie Young that you're back touring and knocking 'em dead. Keep going.

  I received a letter from Johnny Cash inviting me to Jamaica. I think I'm going. Maybe John and I can play some golf. He lives right on a course. John is one of those guys that keeps coming back and coming back. He's got more lives than a cat. It's way too early to be writing him off.

  Cash, Waylon, Kris, Haggard, Billy Joe Shaver, me, and a couple more still have a few things to do and say. Amen.

  THE GEEZINSLAW BROTHERS are still out there playing, telling jokes, and writing songs. My friend Sam Allred, one half of the Geezinslaw Brothers, is still a DJ and on the air in Austin on KVET. He and Bob Cole have the #1 show in town. Sam and Son (Dewayne Smith) have performed on all the July 4 Picnics, some of the Farm Aids, and are still drawing crowds wherever they go. Thank God for your help, Sam. All the way back, you were there to help do every crazy and insane thing that I could think of doing.

  Sammy talked thousands of people into going out in the middle of fields and pastures all over Texas and sitting in the 100 degree heat, drinking beer, smoking pot with people they wouldn't want to be seen with the day before.

  There was something about the mixture of pot, beer, a real hot sun, and a lot of good music that calms the savage beasts somewhere in all of us. We are always afraid of the unknown. It's just natural. But once everyone saw everyone else, heard the music, and baked in the sun all day, I think a healing took place.

  We learned that the same spirit lives in all of us. We are the same. There is no difference anywhere in the world. People are people. They laugh, cry, feel, and love, and music seems to be the common denominator that brings us all together. Music cuts through all boundaries and goes right to the soul.

  I talked with our editor today. He says he's pleased with the first few pages of this book, and encouraged me to continue on in the same direction. I was telling everyone here how brilliant this person is. There is intelligence out there. There is hope. There is a window. Thank you, Scott, for letting a crazy man loose with a pen, paper, and publisher. “Duh! You've got to roll up the windows!” Amen.

  Poodie just came in and told me a joke.

  This guy had tennis elbow, and heard about a place that had a urinalysis machine that could analyze your urine and tell you exactly what was wrong with you. Already knowing what he had, he decided to test the machine.

  The author at work

  The guy poured in a sample of his urine, and the machine coughed and sputtered before spitting out a card that read, YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. The guy was amazed.

  He decided to play a trick on the machine. He went home and collected urine specimens from his dog, his daughter, and his wife, and mixed them all together with his own. Feeling smart, he went back to the urinalysis machine and poured in the mixed-up sample.

  The machine began to smoke, shake, swell up, and cough. It rattled and clanked before finally spitting out the card that read, YOUR DOG HAS WORMS. YOUR DAUGHTER IS ON CRACK. YOUR WIFE IS CHEATING ON YOU. IF YOU DON'T QUIT JACKING OFF, THAT ELBOW OF YOURS WILL NEVER HEAL.

  TIGER WOODS JUST passed Michael Jordan in money from endorsements. Ain't America wonderful or what? Something like a million trillion dollars. I'm not really sure what he's getting, but it's more than I make in a week. Right. Tiger Woods deserves every dollar he gets. He has done a great job of showing young people all over the world the way a superstar should be. He's young, healthy, and so good at golf I can hardly believe it. Good luck, Tiger.

  The market made a slight gain this afternoon, then kinda farted and fell back, as Poodie would say. There was a man in Abbott who had all his money tied up in cash. I liked his approach. I think it's more important these days to take care of the principle and forget the interest. But of course a glance at my past brilliant financial choices gives you a clearer picture of just how much I know.

  Did I tell you the publisher liked the book? These are amazingly intelligent people. No wonder they are where they are.

  THERE WAS A GUY IN A HOUSE of ill repute making love to a girl in a room, on a bed next to an open window. They worked their way over too close to the window and fell out. They hit the ground and never missed a beat. They just kept working. A drunk came by and saw the couple screwing in the street in front of the whorehouse. The drunk walked up to the front door and knocked. A lady came to the door and the drunk said, “Madam, your sign fell down.”

  KINKY WANTED ME TO TELL YOU THIS JOKE.…

  A lady reporter went into an insane asylum to do an exposé on the treatment of patients. She had heard there were some very interesting things going on and wanted to get to the bottom of it. Once inside the asylum, she met a patient who offered to help her get her story. He was a computer expert and turned out to be very helpful in securing information that the reporter could use.

  When she had gathered all the information that she needed, she said to the guy helping her, “Sir, you are so smart. You have been so very helpful. I couldn't have gotten all this information without you. Tell me, how did you wind up here?”

  He said, “Lady, I'm just as sane as any body. I don't know. I woke up one day and I was here.”

  She said, “Thanks so much for your help and information. When I leave here, I'm going to do everything in my power to get you out.”

  As she walked to the door the guy picked up a Coke bottle and threw it at her, hitting her right behind the ear. He yelled, “Don't forget!”

  Phases and stages

  Circles and cycles

  Scenes that we've all seen before

  Let me tell you some more

  Washing the Dishes

  Washing the dishes

  Scrubbing the floors

  Caring for someone

  Who don't care anymore

  Learning to hate all the things

  That she once loved to do

  Like washing his shirts

  And never complaining

  Except of red stains on the collars

  Ironing and crying

  Crying and ironing

  Caring for someone who don't care anymore

  Someday she'll just walk away

  Walkin'

  After carefully considering

  The whole situation

  I stand with my back to the wall

  Walkin' is better

  Than running away

  And crawling ain't no good at all

  And if guilt is the question

  Then truth is the answer

  And I've been lying to me all along

  There ain't nothing worth saving

  Except one another

  And before you wake up I'll be gone

  'Cause after carefully considering

  The whole situation

  I stand with my back to the wall

  Walkin' is better

  Than running away

  And crawling ain't no good at all

  Sister's Coming Home

  Sister's coming home

  Mama's gonna let her sleep

  The whole day long

  The whole day long

  Sister's coming home

  Mama's gonna let her sleep the whole day long

  Sister's coming home


  Mama don't like the man

  That done her wrong, Lord, that done her wrong

  Sister's coming home

  Mama don't like the man that done her wrong

  Sister's coming home

  Mama's gonna let her sleep

  The whole day long

  The whole day long

  Sister's coming home

  Mama's gonna let her sleep the whole day long

  And her mirror's gonna tell her how long she's

  been gone

  Down at the Corner Beer Joint

  Down at the corner beer joint

  Dancing to the rock 'n' roll

  Sister likes to do it, Lord

  Sister likes to move her soul

  Down at the corner beer joint

  Dancing on the hardwood floor

  Her jeans fit a little bit tighter

  Than they did before

  Than they did before

  Than they did before

  Lord her jeans fit a little bit tighter

  Than they did before

  Than they did before

  Than they did before

  Oh her jeans fit a little bit tighter

  Than they did before

  I'm Falling in Love Again

  I'm falling in love again

  I never thought I would again

  I never thought I could

  And I may be making mistakes again

  But if I lose or win

  How will I know?

  How will I know?

  How will I know?

  How will I know?

  And I'm falling in love again

  If I lose or win

  How will I know?

  4:05 P.M., Sewell, New Jersey

  HEADED TO SOUND CHECK, listening to last night's show. Sounds pretty tight. I hope we can do as well tonight.

  Lana's beans are delicious. She makes life on the bus a lot more fun. She and sister Bobbie are always asking me if I need food, clothes, shampoo, or whatever. They spoil me rotten. It doesn't affect me. I'm still the same old guy I always was—spoiled rotten.

  6:50 P.M., Sewell, New Jersey

  SOUND CHECK IS OVER. We are parked across the street from McQuedy Something or Other. If you enjoy the look of prisons, you'll dig this place. Then I see Jackie and Paul and a lot of people coming out of a side door. It looks like a prison break. Very scary.