The Facts of Life Read online

  We recorded “I've Just Destroyed the World I'm Living In,” a song he and I wrote years ago, and “Soft Rain,” a song written by Ray. I could have had half the song.

  I was on the road, working for Ray. He was up front working on a song and I was in the back of the bus playing poker with Jimmy Day, Pete Wade, and Shorty Lavender. Ray said, “Come on up here, hoss, and help me finish this song.”

  I said, “Hell, I can make more money right here playing poker.”

  I missed helping Ray write “Soft Rain” and lost two hundred dollars playing poker. The song went on to become a huge #1 hit for Ray.

  Back then, Ray was raising fighting roosters and racehorses. I heard he had horses that fought and roosters that ran, however, I never believed that.

  Back to my story …

  Ray called me one day and asked if he could bring out one of his fighting roosters and leave him to exercise. I said, “Fine, but my wife, Shirley, has some good laying hens. Will he hurt them?”

  Ray said, “Oh no, it won't bother those hens at all.” The next day, Shirley went out to feed her hens and one lay dead in the chicken pen. I called Ray, told him what happened, and he said, “OK, I'll come get the rooster.” He didn't.

  The next day, same thing, another dead hen. Shirley was so mad she came out of the house with my shotgun. I knew she would have probably accidentally killed everything on the farm except the rooster, especially with that gun. I took the gun and shot the rooster. I called Ray, who was pretty mad. He said, “That fighting cock was worth a hell of a lot of money.”

  I said, “Raymond, [he hates it when I call him Raymond] there ain't a fighting rooster alive that's worth one good laying hen.”

  He wouldn't speak to me for a long time. We've both gotten a lot of mileage out of the story. It's fallen into the “no good deed goes unpunished” category.

  I'VE GOT TO WRITE this down before I forget it. Mark Rothbaum, my manager, was just reminding me of a David Allan Coe story. David Allan was being booked by the Shorty Lavender Talent Agency in Nashville. One night, David Allan mooned the audience. The local promoter called Shorty, who called Mark (who was also managing David Allan). Shorty was hot! He said, “Nobody drops their pants on a Shorty Lavender date!”

  Back to the album …

  We did Floyd Tillman's “I'll Keep on Loving You,” which he wrote about his car, and “This Cold War with You,” one of the best songs ever written. Also we recorded the Fred Rose songs “Home in San Antone,” “Deep Water,” and “It Wouldn't Be the Same Without You.” Fred Rose also wrote “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain.” We did a Fred Foster song called “Run That By Me One More Time,” a bluegrass tune. We did my song, “I'm Still Not Over You,” “I'm So Ashamed,” and “Something to Think About.” Come to think of it, I scored pretty good on this. Five out of ten, it could have been six. Should have been six if I had not blown it with “Soft Rain.” I'm very happy with the way the CD has turned out.

  It Wouldn't Be the Same Without You

  I could wander the byways that we wandered through

  But it wouldn't be the same without you

  These familiar old places would just make me blue

  But it wouldn't be the same without you

  I wasted my love on a careless romance

  But I'd do it again if I had the chance

  I could start my life over with somebody new

  But it wouldn't be the same without you

  I've Just Destroyed the World I'm Living In

  The sun just went behind the clouds

  There's darkness all around me now

  I've just destroyed the world I'm living in

  I broke her heart so many times

  And now at last I've broken mine

  I've just destroyed the world I'm living in

  What made me think that I could go on hurting her

  I should have known there had to be an end

  Fools in love are taught by fate

  We never learn till it's too late

  I've just destroyed the world I'm living in

  I'm So Ashamed

  I'm so ashamed of my eyes 'cause they still cry for you

  After they both watched my hand wave good-bye to you

  I've told them time and time again this will never do

  I've told them how you always laugh at teardrops

  I'm so ashamed

  Of my arms for missing you

  Last night I woke up just in time to feel them reach for you

  And now my heart confesses it still wants you too

  I'm so ashamed of them all for loving you

  Something to Think About

  You're wondering just what I'll do

  Now that it's over and done

  Well that's something to think about

  And I've already begun

  I suppose that I'll find a way

  People usually do

  But it's something to think about

  I'll be lost without you

  One thing I would have you do

  Please consider the dawn

  The dawn of your lonely years

  When youth and beauty are gone

  And when you can no longer have

  Any sweetheart you choose

  Here's something to think about

  I'll still be thinking of you

  I'm Still Not Over You

  Today I made a point to go somewhere I knew you'd be

  I had to know if you still had the same effect on me

  And the moment that I saw you there I knew

  No matter what I do

  I'm still not over you

  I'm still not over you, that feeling's still the same

  I'm still not over you, I find that nothing's changed

  And perhaps someday I'll find somebody new

  But no matter what I do

  I'm still not over you

  2:20 A.M.

  I'M SUPPOSED TO TEE OFF today at 8 A.M. back in Austin for a benefit golf game. I'll have fun. Coach Darrell Royal, Bobby Day, and more good friends will be there playing for our Montessori school. They'll be there to support the school, plus we all love to play golf.

  Paul and I played Bee and David yesterday afternoon in Louisiana. There were seventy-two sand traps. We hit them all. It was a good course though, and right next to the casino, making it handy too.

  May 13, Mothers Day, on our way to Waco

  A LADY WENT INTO A DRUGSTORE asking if they had Viagra. The pharmacist said yes, and she asked, “Have you ever tried it?”

  He said he had. She then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?”

  He said, “I think I could … if I took two.”

  A FAN TOLD ME he took one every night just to keep from falling out of bed.

  They say Viagra can make a lawyer taller. Hell, this could go on forever.

  I'M SITTING HERE on the bus listening to the stuff by me and Ray Price. It's still sounding pretty good. Tonight is a benefit for the hospital in Whitney, Texas. My friend Donald Reed had asked that we do one, and I was glad to be able to help out, especially a good buddy like Donald. We went to school together in Abbott and graduated together. He was the valedictorian and I was just glad to be there. So tonight I look forward to seeing him and all my old schoolmates from Abbott High.

  I talked to Jackie Clements, he's planning on being at the show tonight. Jackie's also an old school buddy. We've all spent the night at each other's houses many times in our school years. Old friends are the best friends, and there ain't many any older than we are.

  I don't mean to start anything this late in the game, but I still think his wife, Fayedell, would have chosen me over Jackie if Jackie hadn't had a car and had her so brainwashed. Oh well, all's fair in love and war. She probably did the right thing. Traveling around with me for forty years would have been a lot of fun I'm sure, but I'm afraid the diesel fumes from the bus would have eventually proven too much for such a sweet and sensitive person.

  I
t looks like we're getting to the end of the book, so I'll start winding down. I picked up a book one time and started reading it. The first paragraph said that everything we do, we've done a million times before. So I put the book down. No need in doing that again. I personally saved that bit of information until the last paragraph of this book. I didn't want to lose you.

  6:15 P.M.

  I KNOW IT'S TOO early to go to bed, but this is Waco. Good night, all.

  Jesus was a Baylor Bear

  But Jesus wouldn't cut his hair

  His helmet didn't fit, but he didn't give a shit

  'Cause Jesus was a Baylor Bear

  Amen

  Pick Up the Tempo

  People are saying that time will take care

  Of people like me

  And that I'm living too fast and they say I can't last

  For much longer

  But little they see that their thoughts of me

  Is my savior

  And little they know that the beat ought to go

  Just a little faster

  So pick up the tempo just a little

  And take it on home

  The singer ain't singing

  And the drummer's been dragging

  Too long

  Time will take of itself so just leave time alone

  And pick up the tempo just a little

  And take it on home

  Well I'm wild and mean, I'm creating a scene

  I'm goin' crazy

  Well I'm good and bad and I'm happy and sad

  And I'm lazy

  I'm quiet and I'm loud and I'm gathering a crowd

  And I like gravy

  I'm 'bout half off the wall but I learned it all

  In the Navy

  So pick up the tempo just a little

  And take it on home

  The singer ain't singing

  And the drummer's been dragging

  Too long

  Time will take of itself so just leave time alone

  And pick up the tempo just a little

  And take it on home

  PHOTO CREDITS

  Featured Photographs

  Page 59: Photograph provided courtesy of Farm Aid.

  Page 85: Photograph provided courtesy of the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum.

  Page 101: Photograph provided courtesy of Ralph Emery Productions.

  Page 120, Page 133: Photographs provided courtesy of Lana Nelson.

  Page 148: Photograph provided courtesy of Alive Films.

  All other featured photographs provided courtesy of the Lana Nelson Collection.

  Cast of Characters

  The following photographs provided courtesy of Les Leverett: Roger Miller; Billy Walker; DJ Bill Mack; John Wayne, Ben Dorcy, and Maureen O'Sullivan; Minnie Pearl and Ann-Margret; Hank Thompson; Billy Deaton, Ray Price, and Shorty Lavender; The Jordanaires; Harlan Howard and Buck White; Mel Tillis; Charlie Dick and DJ Mike Hoyer; Patsy Cline; Little Jimmy Dickens; Willie, 1961; Signing to the Grand Ole Opry, with Haze Jones and Ott Devine; Hank Snow; Chubby Wise; Billy Deaton and Faron Young; Waylon Jennings; Ernest Tubb, Tommy Collins, and Merle Haggard; Johnny Cash; Jim Henson; Elvis Presley and Hank Snow; Johnny Gimble; Paul Corbin; Tony Lyons and T. G. Sheppard; Shirley Nelson; and David Allan Coe.

  The following photographs provided courtesy of the Les Leverett Collection: Willie, 1955; Gene Autry; Roy Rogers; The Durango Kid; and Fred Rose.

  The following photographs provided courtesyof Lana Nelson: Honeysuckle Rose III; Ben Dorcy; Waylon Payne; Jody Payne; Cain's Ballroom; Jackie King; Steve, Willie, and Albert; Jesus; JoeyFloyd; CaseyTibbs; Sister Bobbie and her sons Randyand Michael; Willie, Bee, Paul, and Poodie; Scooterville, USA; Dandalion and Daffy; Willie relaxing; Katie, Willie, and Jill; Willie and Django; Martha Fowler, Matt Hubbard, and Dean; Dan Rather; Chicken Dick; Pecker Head; MickeyRaphael; Bee Spears; David Zettner; Bongo Naked T-shirt; Floyd Tillman; Willie and Ray Price; all photos of “The Band,” pages 224–25; Poodie Locke; David Anderson; LarryGorham; Tunin' Tom Hawkins; Gates Moore; BobbyLemons; BuddyPrewitt; Ben Dorcy; great-granddaughter Lauren; great-granddaughter Andrea Lee; Granddaughters Rachel and Martha; Willie and Bobbie performing.

  The following photographs provided courtesy of the Lana Nelson Collection: Bob Wills; Sammi Smith; Mama Nelson; Daddy Nelson; Bud Fletcher and the Texans; Sheriff Jack Harwell; Hank Williams; Pat Green; Dr. Red Duke; Dr. Booger Nelson; Trigger; Bobbie and Willie; Frances Preston and Willie; Paula Carleen, Connie, and Willie; Billy Joe Shaver; George Strait; Willie, 1955; Smiley Burnette; Bill Wittliff; Carolyn Mugar and Rachel Fowler; Hog Farming Willie, 1968; Willie, 1983; Darrell and Edith Royal; Jackie Clements; Fayedell Clements; and Grandsons Nelson and Bryan.

  The following photographs provided courtesy of David Anderson: Lana and Willie; Zeke Varner; Paul Buskirk; Matt Serletic, Willie, and Brian McKnight; Willie and Mark Rothbaum; Willie and John T. Flores; Kenny Koepke; Scooter Franks; James Franks; Tony Sizemore; Neil Smidt; Rick “Mike” Moher; and Dan Laveglia.

  The following photographs provided courtesy of Scott Newton: Ira Nelson; Myrle Nelson Harvey; Jerry Jeff Walker (1979); Steve Fromholz (1975); and Gary P. Nunn (1975).

  Photograph of Kinky Friedman provided courtesy of Don Imus / Fuji Films.

  Photograph of Lorraine Nelson and Willie provided courtesy of George Fowler.

  Photograph of Mother Earth provided courtesy of NASA.

  Photographs of Claude Gray and Lefty Frizzell provided courtesy of the Country Music Hall of Fame and Museum.

  Photograph of Buck Owens provided courtesy of Buck Owens Productions.

  Photograph of Lee Ann Womack provided courtesy of Tony Baker.

  Photograph of Hank Cochran provided courtesy of Jim Shea.

  Photograph of Hazel Smith provided courtesy of Michael Arnaud.

  Photograph of Ralph Emery provided courtesy of Ralph Emery Productions.

  Photograph of Randy Travis provided courtesy of Michael Tackett.

  Photograph of Willie and Kris Kristofferson provided courtesy of CBS / Sony.

  Photograph of the Geezinslaw Brothers provided courtesy of James J. Kriegsmann.

  Photograph of Bob Cole and Sammy Allred provided courtesy of Ted S. Warren.

  Photograph of “Scott, the editor” provided courtesy of Harvey Wang.

  The following photographs provided courtesy of Alive Films: The Read Headed Stranger; Willie and Morgan Fairchild; and Katharine Ross, Bryan Fowler, and Julian Shay, aka Willie.

  Photograph of “Daughters Amy and Paula” provided courtesy of the Jimmy Carter Library.

  Photograph of “Rachel, Paula, Willie, and Amy” provided courtesy of Charles Wilkins.

  Photograph of “Anthony and Rebecca with mom, Susie, at Rebecca's wedding” and “Raelyn and Grandpa” provided courtesy of Susie Nelson.

  Copyright © 2002 by Willie Nelson

  Introduction copyright © 2003 by Larry McMurtry

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright

  Conventions. Published in the United States by Random House Trade.

  RANDOM HOUSE TRADE PAPERBACKS and colophon are registered trademarks

  of Random House, Inc.

  LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

  Nelson, Willie

  The facts of life: and other dirty jokes / Willie Nelson.

  p. cm.

  eISBN: 978-0-307-52320-4

  1. Nelson, Willie, 1933– 2. Country musicians—United States—

  Biography. I. Title.

  ML420.N4 A3 2002

  782.421642'092—dc21

  [B] 2001048480

  Random House website address: www.atrandom.com

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